Sunday, January 29, 2006

So confused

I don't know who I am. I've been having this mini-crisis since about the end of September. I was better for a while, but then it all came back today. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to be, or anything at all. What if I don't want to do actual social work? Then what? What should I do with my life? Where should I go? I just don't know.

And then there's the whole church issue. I have no idea what's going on there. Maybe I need to go somewhere else. I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know what I should do.

Tonight as I was biking back from the library this girl yelled at me "Julia! Hey! Julia! Julia!" I might not know who I am, but I'm reasonably sure I'm not Julia.

I was freaking out to my roommates a little bit ago about all of this and one told me to "do what I want to do." I responded "but if I don't know who 'I am' how do I know what I want to do?"

And my favorite jeans in the whole world ripped today. So now I'm having an identity crisis and I have no favorite pants. I'm an identityless-favorite pantsless person.


Alex said...

Hmm... Id say try new things as much as possible and you will find other things you like. You will find ideas, new roads...

Just go take a walk to a place you have never been before, or try a new form of transportation, spend a day in a forest. Read a book on a topic you know nothing about. Learn to shoot a gun, or scuba, or to indentify birds... :)


Cecilia said...

Golda, it will be okay. I ask all of those questions basically all the time. It's normal. And if you take a wrong turn, well, there are worse things that could happen. You also really only need to know your next step, so try to just focus on this summer and next year. Worry about career and grad. school later, when it's really an issue. Maybe by that time, you'll know what you want to do. The monks are very wise about all of these things.
And basically, just follow what you love, knowing that normally loving things and people isn't always easy or perfect.
This weekend, we were once again reminded by the monks that we can be only who we are, so I don't know that "who am I supposed to be" is necessarily the best question, but more "how can I be me as authenically as possible?"
From some of my monk friends and Rainer Maria Rilke:
“I would like to beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to live the questions themselves as if they were locked in rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even knowing it, live your way to the answer.”

Cecilia said...

I was telling Myra about your crisis and she said that it wasn't a crisis, it was how she normally lived her life. I don't know if that's encouraging though...

erin said...

wow, that was like reading about my last semester. (I'm better-ish now...) Don't let yourself get concerned about too far into the future, because even if you have definate plans and goals, they don't always work out anyway. Before last semester I had been living quite peacefully in a stage of active avoidance of making any sorts of decisions, and I don't recommend that for other people, so it's good that you're thinking. Just don't completely get overwhelmed, because I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be scared about and overwhelmed with the future for a good while yet, and it'd suck to get an ulcer at 21.

Mary Beth said...

Relaxxxxx Golda...I don't know who I am and I'm 28. I agree with Alex with the exception of shooting guns :) Explore your options through working after you get done with school. Be adventurous and do everything you want to do in your life right now. Do an internship, leave the country, get a j-o-b with something you're interested in or not sure you're interested in. This is the time to explore and find out what you wanna do for the rest of your life. I'm not convinced SW is the gig for me but I'm gonna try it. Know that it's good to question who you are...that is how you grow and find yourself. ok enough with the Dr. Phil. Email me if you need someone older on the other side of college :)

Golda said...

I feel so loved guys. And don't worry, i'm MUCH better today. Yesterday I just freaked out just a little bit.

Anali said...

1) I can´t believe those pants ripped. That makes me very sad. (they were my favorite pants too) ;-)
2)I understand your crisis, however I think your decisions need to be made a little sooner than mine. Sorry. What´s going on with DC? Remember you can always be my roomate next year if you need some more time to make a decision. :-) You should go to the dam; that´s what I always do when I need to think about something big; heck I would be there right now if I could.
3) What´s going on with the whole church thing? (Maybe you should send me a personal email for that one)
But seriously I hope this semester is really fun for you. Remember it´s your senior year, so don´t get too stressed out.
See you soon!